Thinking of You
by Azalyn Midnight
Summary: Riku's letter to Kairi, if only he could send it. A songfic to Blink 182's I Miss You.


Author's Note: Um…yeah I started this a long time ago and finally decided to post it. Somehow I have a feeling that it sucks. So let me know what you think. I hope everyone likes it…Oh yeah, _italics_ indicate song lyrics, (stuff in parenthesis) are thoughts, and everything else is what Riku is actually writing. If this gets good reviews, I will write a songfic to Blink 182's _Down _as kind of a sequel. So review if you like it.

Disclaimer: Due to the fact that I am broke pretty much all the time, you can assume that I don't own Kingdom Hearts or anything else that makes a profit. Also, _I Miss You_ belongs to Blink 182.

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Thinking of You

(Thinking of you, wherever you are,)

Lying awake here and I still can't stop thinking about you; your face haunting me every second. Damn it Kairi, I really did love you. That is, if someone as heartless as I am can really be in love.

Really, if it weren't for you, I probably would have ended this by now. But I'm holding on to a memory, a distant stupid hope of seeing you again. And telling you… what? I don't know, maybe "I'm sorry," or maybe…

I love you?

So thanks, I guess.

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

Great, Riku. Really great. Let's just get ourselves into the worst possible situation we can, and then sit here clinging to a hope so desperate it's actually pathetic. Excellent. But then again, I guess that's what I get for running around like a heartless, power hungry bastard, thinking I was some glorified little prince of darkness or something. For a while there, I was on top of the world, on my way to having everything I wanted.

Or at least everything I thought I wanted. I think I knew, even then, that everything was screwed up. Really, I never wanted to see other worlds. And really, I never wanted power. I didn't really want any of it.

Not half as much as I wanted you, wanted to go where you had been and see what you had seen.

How many times do you think I've thought of looking for you? How many times have I wanted to write to you? And every single time, I've realized that I was dreaming. I can't look for you. No letter I write could possibly reach you. And every day, it's looking more and more like I'll never see you again. And I can't live with that.

So what if I could write to you? What could I say? Damn it, who cares? Not like it makes any difference. Any letter I write to you wouldn't be much more than my own way of holding on, and I can't hold on much longer. But here goes.

_Hello there,_

In my dreams, you were my angel. In my dreams, you saved me when no one else could. But who the hell am I kidding? All my dreams turned to nightmares a long time ago, and nothing can save me now.

_The angel from my nightmare,_

You would have saved me if you could have, saved me from the darkness. You alone would be there for me, in the darkness. But nothing can save someone from the darkness. Because the darkness consumes everything. As the dark will swallow the light, you will be swallowed whole. The darkness will make you like me. The darkness consumes you, too. Stay away from the dark, Kairi, or you'll wind up like me.

_The shadow in the background of the morgue,_

I'll make you like me. I could destroy you. And you would never know it, never see it coming. I could destroy you so quickly. Would I even see it coming?

_The unsuspecting victim_

We were so stupid, thinking we were safe there, thinking nothing bad could ever happen to us, thinking we would always be together, taking so much for granted… the real miracle is that it lasted so long.

I don't think anything could have prepared me for what happened that night. Nothing could have prepared any of us. Not for that. Because no one expects paradise to fall in on them. No one expects everything they have to disappear overnight.

_Of darkness in the valley_

I was so stupid and reckless, thinking that we could just build a raft and sail away whenever we wanted to. So stupid to think that we weren't risking anything, thinking that we would still be together, that no one would get hurt, that we'd find another world and have the time of our lives…

So stupid not to realize how much we had back then… So stupid to think that it would always be like that, and we would never lose each other, and that we could do anything.

_We can live like Jack and Sally if we want,_

You don't realize how important it is, being together and being able to count on each other to be there. You never do, not until it's too late. But being able to find each other, or even to know that the other is still alive, isn't something to be taken for granted.

_Where you can always find me_

But I guess we took a lot of things for granted...

I guess we thought we could spend the rest of our lives living how we wanted, doing what we felt like… just little things like messing around on the beach and talking about the future. Sora thought a lot about little things. I never really did. I guess I was too shallow to see that little things matter. But no one ever does until it's too late.

_And we'll have Halloween on Christmas,_

It was perfect… perfect days and perfect nights… And we were so perfect together until we were so perfectly torn apart. But it had to end, because it always has to end. I think that even then we knew that it had to end. It's funny how everything that means anything ends so quickly.

_And in the night we'll wish this never ends,_

I can sit here and tell myself that it's over, and that nothing can ever bring back what we had. But I'll never make myself believe that. Because I'm blind enough, arrogant enough, to believe that I can change something, that I can go back and make things right again. But I know I'm wrong. Some things can't ever be changed. And we can't go back, now or ever.

_We'll wish this never ends._

_(I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you)_

I would search the far ends of this world and any other for you. I would never stop looking. But I can't look for you. I'm stuck here. I guess that's fate. This is my destiny. Looking back, I guess I really had this coming. What can I say? I got what I deserved.

_Where are you?_

You gave me everything. And look what you got in return. I deserve to be alone here, without you. This is worst punishment I could have possibly imagined, but it isn't enough. I don't think there's a punishment in the world that's harsh enough for a moron like me. I deserve worse than this.

But you don't. You didn't do anything to deserve what you suffered through. But you loved someone who wasn't worth it. And I dragged you down with me. Just like I always do, somehow.

_And I'm so sorry,_

I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stand dreaming about you, I know I'll never see you again. I don't deserve to see you again. But if I don't, I'll go crazy. Hell, I already was crazy.

_I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight,_

I need you. I know that's pathetic. But I need you. I need someone. I can't stay here alone. I can't make it alone.

_I need somebody and always_

And you're probably thinking, the great Riku, afraid to be alone? Yeah. How long did it take us before everybody figured out that the whole "I'm not afraid of the darkness" thing was bullshit? Everyone's scared of the darkness. The people who are really scared just deny it.

_This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time_

What happened on the Destiny Islands, we thought that was darkness? That's not darkness. Not real darkness, anyway. This is darkness. Sitting here is darkness. Emptiness. Not one damn thing here. Think about that for a minute. Nothing. Not one single spider, cobweb, no sound, nothing. Nothing to do but add knife marks to the growing collection of scars…wondering when I'll finally lose it. That's darkness. I'm staring into the darkness. Listening to the darkness. Hearing and seeing the emptiness. Looking through the blackness for anything…

_And as I stared I counted_

_The webs from all the spiders_

What the hell am I talking about? I fell in love, did something stupid, destroyed myself and the person I loved from the inside out… it's just the same sad story, no big deal, right?

_Catching things and eating their insides_

So then why? Why am I writing this, why do I want to talk to you, or see you, ever again, what would I say, what could I tell you, what's the point… what's the point?

_Like indecision to call you_

To hear your voice again. That's the reason. But that's stupid; to hear your voice, to see your face, will just make me regret everything that I've done. I still want to hear your voice again.

_To hear your voice of treason_

Not like it will stop all of the pain to see you again, not like anything will ever stop all the pain. But to see you again, to make sure that you're okay, to make sure that you haven't changed: that would help a lot.

_Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?_

_Stop this pain tonight._

Of course, the real question isn't whether or not I'll see you again, but whether or not you'll see me again. I mean, whether or not you would be willing to waste your time on someone who had hurt you so much. Or if you would even be willing to remember someone so worthless. Strange thought, isn't it? To think that you might actually forget me when I know that you are the one person I can't ever forget?

_Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head_

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

_Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head_

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

Or maybe it would be better if you forgot, somehow, everything that's happened. Protect yourself… forget the pain, forget the darkness… Save your perfect heart for Sora, who will never love you half as much.

I will never forget you.

_Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head_

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

_Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head_

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

Kairi, I've re-read this letter a dozen times at least…there's so much that I haven't said, that I can't say. How beautiful you are, all of the things that I was too stupid to tell you when I had my chance…how much I would give anything to start over…

_Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head_

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

_Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head_

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

Don't forget me, Kairi, I can't make it without you…

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

Love, and regrets,

Riku

(_I miss you, I miss you)_

Sealing the letter with a few drops of blood from scars that still bleed

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

Tearing this letter into a thousand worthless pieces…

_(I miss you, I miss you)_

And throwing them into the darkness that swallows everything whole…

(Thinking of you,)

Hoping that somehow these words might find you…

(Wherever you are.)


End file.
